The other night, Oz and Omnia attended a house party that also happened to include a dungeon at said house. There were also going to be some characters there that gave both Oz and I some concern because of recent interactions with them (vageblogging... that story will need its own blog at a later date) in regards to our D/s relationship in a negative aspect. This situation was tricky because, this was a swinger's event (Oz and Omnia's realm), where there is a dungeon present (mine and Oz's realm) and GM and I wouldn't be there (no 'tethers' to any of the dynamics afoot so to speak).
I couldn't go into complete Dom mode with Oz in this event- he is there to have a swinging good time with his wife and to flirt and be flirty and have a lot of fun. I also didn't need to trivialize Oz's apparent nervousness with being surrounded by all this BDSM stuff and me not there to give him a tug on his chain or let him out at bit while D/s play was appropriate.
Since it would be difficult to know every aspect of what was going to happen, even if there was a clear layout of what was going to happen, I decided that it would be best to remind Oz that "I have him", meaning, I won't let anything that happens bother me to the extent of being upset as long as you remind yourself that I am here for you and you make a decision with that safety net. First I told him to take a picture of him grabbing his knee with his collared hand, then I commanded him to grab his knee again should that feeling of nervousness happen and react as he saw fit.
Well, things didn't play out that way, necessarily. Oz was hesitant and nervous during the evening, Omnia pushed him to do stuff that he wanted before he settled his guilty feeling of doing something regarding BDSM play in the dungeon, and what set this ball a rolling down a dark path for me was, aside from being extremely tired, being sent a picture of Oz, laid out across another girl with a look of bliss in his eyes, his stomach all scratched up and his collar missing.
I went into a bit of a panic...all of that stuff previously wasn't known at the time I received the picture, however, because of the conversation about Oz being nervous about BDSM play at the party, I was under the impression that his collar would be on. Having received the picture without any sort of precursor to the events going on, or any explanation afterward, the LSD (as it's been coined where you see something that could be perfectly explainable suddenly becomes something horrific because you don't get that context of what is going on) took over and suddenly I felt like I was dumped. Luckily GM was there to remind me that it was possible that Omnia could have taken his collar off- as she is exempt from any sort of rules, commands, instructions or anything regarding the D/s play with Oz, but even with that I felt that a level of comfort in what the collar is and what it means has been in play for awhile now so I didn't feel that was the situation.
I also need to reiterate the sheer exhaustion I was feeling at the time because, I feel that the irks and upsettedness I felt in that moment would have likely been subdued by my normal filters of "these people are my friends, they aren't going to do anything to hurt me, and them having fun without me isn't a reflection on the fun they have with me," which were frayed by simply a lack of rest.
So, sleep has been gotten, feeling a lot less like a cavewoman who was in fight/flight mode about every little thing, I explained myself better afterwards.
The only thing sticking, as far as any issues are concerned, is the issue with the command I gave him to trust himself on what he did or didn't do. It was apparent that despite my heed that I would be fine with what he did, he still tried to walk that line of making sure everybody was happy with what he did- including his Dom who reminded him that I was okay with whatever he did. He said that he didn't feel right wearing his collar while doing the BDSM play with other people. I feel that with the command I gave him, it should have been a reminder of the trust I instill in him. That he didn't do that troubles me. I understand that my initial reactions helped feed that, but because of his forgetfulness about the command, none of that would have happened had he grabbed his knee and reacted. But, as happy accidents are, we will learn, grow and move forward.
now, afina need food and beer, urg....argh....
-afina
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