I'm having a difficult time on where to begin with this post, there is sooo much to cover. Must find the correct song to listen to for this post first.... ahhh, Sarah McLachlan's "Fallen".
The homework assignment has been completed. The boy found the bellflower origami instructions and made one larger and one smaller. It seems the task was a little too....simple, but it seemed to produce the same effect. He really seems to like folding paper. I'm going to have to have him watch Between the Folds which talks about the art, drive and purpose of folding paper. Seems odd, but I thought it was fascinating and the things some of these people produce is amazing.
Okay, enough procrastination writing this post... Now on to Regina Spektor..."Eet".
So around the time I gave the boy his homework, I began to think about taking another project, process, something that pushed against the walls of the self imposed boundaries. Looking to my own experiences with GM, I remembered the significance of when he collared me with a ring he crafted. It made me feel the weight of the games we played and served as a constant reminder of what they meant. A remembrance for all the things we discussed. It still remains a fixture on my hand. I realized that I wanted to do the same to the boy. The installation of that gravity is powerful and I wanted to see if this was something he was ready for.
I decided that I wanted to make a collar for his wrist. A ring, aside from being inappropriate, would be too much. A collar around the neck didn't look right in my head- not that I won't ever put a collar around his neck, but, I couldn't think of anything that didn't look silly. With his writing on his wrist, I felt as though I had a sense of ownership on that spot so it must be right. I did some searches to see what I could find and of course, everything I liked was too expensive, so I began to think of a design. This usually causes me to think for days and days, but the design came rather easily. The centerpiece to it would be a disk with a large opening that would have the ying-yang-esqueness of the symbol of BDSM that would be hooked through with two cords and clasped in the back. I talked with GM to see if this was something that he would be able to make, and unfortunately, he does not have the right tools. So, I went on the hunt for this piece and I couldn't believe my luck that I found exactly what I was looking for. I fashioned all the bits together, and was damn proud that everything worked out the way it did.
Oh fuckity fuck. I didn't even discuss it with him on whether or not he would want to wear it, let alone like the idea of it. Realizing this made me very nervous, but I decided that I would let him see it first and decide. I had put tme and effort into it, sure, but without his consent to wear it, it was meaningless to me. I settled that fact with myself, knowing full well that he could say that he didn't want to wear it and outside of a little time and money. It would not be a wasted effort, but a tool for me to learn about his boundaries and a way of keeping within the game.
I sent the boy a text, asking to verify the circumference of his wrist for a final time....I had asked him before hand once, so I knew he was intrigued. I fought with myself about whether or not I should give him a hint, tell him about it, beat around the bush..... Fuck it, I'll just send a picture. There was much discussion following it and he agreed to wear it. As I understand, it's something that he'll rarely take off. Despite working myself up not to care that much about it in case he decided against wearing it, I was relieved.
What followed was, of course, my fault for being so proud/anxious to collar him for his acceptance. Admittedly, I wanted to put it on as soon as humanly possible. I didn't want to wait. We have a swinger event coming up soon where we will be seeing the boy and his wife and I thought that could be a good chance to put it on and if not, we could wait till next time. As it turns out, next time would be almost a month away due to scheduling conflicts. Double fuck! So, I thought I would be nice and give him the option. The next time we see each other, a scheduled time where we could have "a scene" that was within the bounds sexually of us seeing each other without our spouses, or suck it up and wait. I felt like I had pushed the boundaries far enough for one day, I didn't want to push them any further...
He didn't choose, rather, he didn't want to choose. I couldn't blame him because I was in the same boat. But, this doesn't work this way. I told him that he had to choose one, or there would be consequence. This was when he told me that he was intrigued by the club, because of the public aspect of it, but he was afraid of it limiting his experiences (read: fucking people) or diminish the importance of the collar, or cause him to regret and loathe to collar....
I thought about it all day. What did I want it to mean to him? I knew I didn't want it to be a restraint. I didn't want to constrict him. I didn't want it to be feared or loathed. Those weren't sentiments that I associated with it. I remember watching the Story of O, which is also a pretty intense book. I remember as O went through her training, she learned who she was and grew strong as a person. In the end, her master put her on display, naked and tethered to him by a small chain that was ornamental, a sign that she wanted to be tethered. Atop her head she wore a giant owl mask and she walked around proudly as if to say, "This is who I am and I wear my mask and my collar by choice." I wanted this for him. This pride, this sense of accomplishment that he is finding what he wants.
I told him that his collar is not a restraint, it is ownership of the contract he has signed with me. I told him that is a talisman to find what submitting brings to him, not a harbor for fear. And finally, I told him that it is not a way for me to subject him to things against his will, but a way to honor who he is to me.
This took what was rapidly heading down the wrong direction and made it turn a 180. And for me, it helped me flesh out exactly what I am to him. It's easy to chalk it up to growing pains that every "new" relationship go through....but it wasn't a planned pain.
After all that was settled, being pleased with how I turned it around... the little Dom in me woke up from her slumber and whispered in my ear, "You know, you commanded him to make a choice and that if he didn't, he would have a consequence....you're not going to let him get away with that are you?" Crisis averted, lips turned into a wicked smile and answered, "Of course not...."
Did you know... the boy is extremely fond of Dr Pepper?
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