Tenets of the Unknown

Argh.... I've had a very serious case of writers block, though, I wish I could blame it on a lack of finding words. 

I need to get over my fear that I'm going to say or do the wrong thing.  I'm afraid of owning my feelings because once I give them to someone else- anyone else as this isn't specific to GM, or Oz and his wife, if they don't like it, are offended, hurt, or any other negative feeling, I feel like I can't do a thing about it and if they were important enough for me to have those feelings in the first place, the thought of losing them becomes petrifying. 

Things have been....interesting.  Oz's wife, who I can't come up with an pseudonym for to save my life and I have become very close.  And I am enjoying it immensely.  She is quickly becoming a very important person in my life due to her friendship, her guidance with Oz and allowing me to see facets of herself and her relationship with Oz.  This has a curious byproduct, however, in concerns to the D/s relationship with Oz where my trepidations of going down the rabbit hole have me concerned for her.  I am not only responsible to Oz for what I do to him, but I am responsible to her and her marriage in how what I do affects both of them.  Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying that.  I told her recently that her trust in me empowers me to be a Dom to Oz.  It makes me feel safe and comfortable in expressing those aspects of myself to him and accepting those which he gives to me in those moments.  Oz and I have it easy: we're engaging aspects of our personality which already exist, giving them a method to be expressed, developed and influence our character elsewhere.

 She, on the other hand, is having to be an active participant in something that she does not need or require.  A simple way to think of it is going to a movie that your spouse wants to see but you don't.  Sure, you might enjoy certain parts of it, but there are things you could also be doing where you would enjoy the whole part.  I know that she wants to find a way to do this in such a way that makes her comfortable with it and allows Oz to explore this aspect of his character and in here is where my trepidations lie.  I walk the delicate path of encouraging without pushing, testing without setting up for failure, owning how I feel (and to an extent how Oz feels) while still being respectful to how she feels, and being encouraged by her own growth and humbled by the effort without snapping the branches she allows me to climb up on.  The 'happy accident' to this is that it makes everything more...endearing.  It runs less a risk of becoming contrite with eagerness.  Each ability to command, control, and dominate is a gift.  I'd be a freaking robot if I didn't admit that sometimes, I do want to just run with it, but I'm glad to be tethered to those tenets.  It keeps me grounded and my ability to be obsessive under control.  Yes, definitely a happy accident. 

As long as I feel her hand in mine, I know no fear.



-afina