Ephemeral Dissonance

I'm having a bout of the mean reds today...when you're scared and angry and you don't know why, or in my case, you don't know how to stop it.  It's fleeting, and hopefully will be gone by this afternoon.  I know exactly what it is, and that is what is upsetting me that I allow it to get to me and poison me.  I wish Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a commercial for an actual service and not a fictional movie.  (argh......afina...you're vagueblogging....)

I don't trust people outside of those who were there before my heart broke....rather, I want to trust anyone after, but I find it hard to stick. It's as if I only have one spot on my heart where love for anyone else can go and it is destroyed.  I try to put people there and those sentiments of affection become corrupted over the tiniest things that are, at most, non-existent, at least figments of my imagination.  I've had nothing but example after example of a few people who want me in their life.  I get phone calls and texts and visits....unexpectedly...it's not me doing the constant "Thinking of you!" business never to be reciprocated.

But when is the other shoe going to drop?  When are they going to see whatever it was that made M go from being a friend, a brother, in the space between the hierarchy of my family and my closests and most dear friend to a poisonous cancer that as soon as I believe it's treated, pops up somewhere else.

I've just had to many examples in recent history which show how delicate, how fragile relationships can be over the oddest things.  Too many examples of things going great then they stop.  Too many times that my wants, wills, actions or beliefs being put up for trial and being denied the right to defend myself, let alone the value of those involved bear witness to the defense of my character. 

Nothing risked, nothing gained.  Exploring the different aspects of my character have helped, but the biggest issue of late is when that poison finds a way to infect me as a Dom.  It hit me last night like a ton of bricks....brutally.  I heard his voice whisper in my ear, "Oh, isn't this swell, you got a chance to fuck other people and you've gotten your little man servant like you always wanted because you can't bring yourself to love your husband because you are a soulless bitch."  It's bad enough when you hear things like that in person, when you're accused of rape, being pre-meditated, and deceit.  It's worse when it makes you question yourself.  People always tell me how nice I am, how thoughtful, to a fault.  I'm actually pretty normal, I get moody and angry, I think people are idiots and sometimes I want to tell them so.  But to risk someone else feeling the way I did isn't worth it, despite the fact that I could ruin the bastards life, ability to make money in his industry and lose half his friends, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it- not because I am incapable of spiteful behavior, but because I refuse to justify my pain by being as he was to me.  Till then, I'll just keep stamping out the cancer, telling myself that it is rare that people are that evil, and trying to mend that spot on my heart so people will stick there. 

To the boy:  Borrowing this for now...

-afina