Waiting

Ugh!  I've felt wonky lately...

Oz and his wife are about finished with their vacation...their anniversary vacation and so, Oz has been MIA....The friend who's real name I won't use has been around, but Oz, my  Oz. is probably resting curled up in a little half circle on the nightstand in their home a couple hundred miles away.  Oz's wife didn't want him to have "game on" during his trip, and I suspect, didn't want to see it either.  I can't blame her either.  Honestly, I would have felt odd giving him a command during that time anyway. We all need breaks and sometimes we need our spouses to take breaks from their activities.  Over all, it's also been a good thing for me.  It's given me a good chance to have some quiet reflection about this relationship on whole....it's given me a chance to think.

I realize why I've felt a bit wonky.  With Oz being uncollared right now, and not for any other reason than he shouldn't be while on a trip with his wife during their anniversary, I've felt a bit like a captain of a ship without a crew.  Like they took their vacation leave and I'm in the situation of running my boat around in a circle, waiting for them to get back.  It points to my own sense of things I must get under control for myself- I should be fine with them being out of contact, with Oz being unavailable to Dom.  I am including Oz's wife in this because, as a friend, she would be there to help me deal with it and, dagnabit, she isn't either.  I am making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill, I don't want it to be understood that I'm that upset, but I imagine any Dom would go through this with their sub and subsequently their own support group if they had to "give up" control for awhile.  And, overall, I've never been known as a "patient" person.

I've also had a chance to sit back and look different ways in which I can be better at what I do.  When Oz and I had our talk about boundaries and such, I glad to see that his willingness to submit is truly a blank page and that things only seem to wobble in and out of like and dislike.  It's good to know that the act of submission is what is the driving force behind this, not just a simple crop smacked in the "right spot" on the ass.  It definitely makes my job easier so I won't complain.  Still, getting into those acts which make him submit and open up that gooey center for my examination has been on the brain here of late.  I need to be confident in those things that I do to him and part of that is understanding how new this is to me.  I'm still throwing spaghetti against the wall and seeing what sticks.  But I have a bunch of delicious new tricks and devices on my utility belt that will give him an interesting experience.  I still fight off the urge to try it all, do it all, make him into a warm and fuzzy puddle on the floor.  When we had our recent conversation to help make clear all these aspects of the contract, I can't for the life of me remember what was said, but I was standing above him and I grabbed his ponytail and pulled his head back.  He looked as though I could purred in his ear, "Stand up, pull your pants down and place both your hands on the table," so that I could have spanked him right there in the bar.  I admittedly fought the urge to do so.... I wanted him to wind down before his anniversary trip with his wife.  But, what this has taught me, as I'm sure I will continue to learn from it, is that he does trust me.  I read somewhere that we Dom's have strings that our sub's will pull on to entice that command out.  That challenge to make him show me what he will do is quite nice, especially when I don't indulge it. 

Yes, I am amped up for our next scene.  It'll be better in respects to time and interruption issues since it will take place at home.  Knowing that if we are interrupted, it with the knowledge that we are trying to figure things out and that needs time. Being able to have the time too, will allow me to take my time with him and not feel as though I must hurry it up in order to get back because we shouldn't leave our spouses without their tethers to us alone for too long.  Removing those aspects of priority that public play imposes on our arrangement will make it for a much more relaxed experience on us all, I think.  I'm glad for the understanding of all these and plan to use my time with him effectively and efficiently.  I'm going to be pushing my known limits... travel down the rabbit hole, ignore a few roots for stopping my descent as I discover more about this for myself and for him.  My charge is great but my will is strong.

Till then, I'll just wait till my good friends get home.  I've missed them.

-afina