Not in Kansas anymore

It sucks when reality smacks you in the face.  I had a hard day today.  Not wanting to continue the absolute melancholy of the previous post, there were some very, very, good moments struck in between then and now.

The boy has been collared, and we had our first "scene", which, for the layman is sort of what it sounds like- It is a designated place/time/agreed upon rules for engagement of BDSM activities.  You can read a more wiki-esque definition of it here. To sum up, the scene went well, barring some unwelcomed patrons attempting to enter our room, and I'm rather proud of the way that we handled the time limit agreed upon by the boy's wife, GM, he and I.  I might, at a later date, describe all the stuff that happened in detail but to spoil the best moment, the boy had a moment of clarity when I surprised him with a strawberry after leaving him alone in the room to get them from our cooler in the common area. 

I have been having a difficult time, essentially within the moments of ending the scene of feeling good and solid about the whole experience.  I've realized now that this is mostly due to the fact that I want mastery over something I've just begun to learn about myself, along with discovering it with the boy.  I also let being so eager to collar the boy outweigh the situation I set up to collar him in which had WAY too many new things going on- New Club, New People, New Experience in Swinging, New Experience in D/s play.  It was handled well, and I am proud of that, for all parties involved, and while it didn't dilute the experience, I don't think we will be revisiting that anytime soon.  The final thing that was bugging me, I felt as though I didn't do enough,  I realized that I wanted to have the singular experience with the strawberry be the entirety of the experience.  I think I wanted to literally see him float off the bed. 

I tried to rationalize things away, blame my unease on what was otherwise a very boring club experience, my own fears of playing "in public" eating at me, but by Monday morning, nothing felt settled, in fact, any good that I had was all garbled up in strings of how I felt I failed.  My will should have matched my ability, or so I began to believe.  Thankfully, after much discussion, many of eatings of my own foot, venting to GM, I figured out the culprits:

One:  I am human, I'm going to make mistakes, and it's okay for me to not be Dom-y all the time.  Simple concept when you're not an absolute perfectionist.

Two:  Trust the relationship I have with the boy, he may be "mine", but he is also my friend, husband to my other friend and quite literally part of a pair of the best people I think I have ever met.  They write stories about people like them that make you want to be better. It's just who they are.

Three: Aftercare.  Which, if you're not sure what that word means, please read this first.  I didn't know what this was, let alone realize that this is something I needed as well as the boy after participating in "a scene".  I was worried about him, about his wife, about GM, about all the other people who we knew who were, literally, miles away from my mind at that moment.  I snapped back into reality far too quickly and did not bring the trust- what I push the most in myself in order to Dom the boy back close to me before we walked out of that room.  I think, instinctively, I tried to receive the aftercare too, but I was already too aware of the time and the sense of urgency to get back.  Knowing now, I should have spent an additional few minutes allowing the boy to reassure me that I did a good job, that he was happy and that he had a good time.  GM gasped in horror when he realized that I didn't know what it was, let alone, get any for myself.  But, the next time we get together with the boy and his wife, this will be discussed as it is a vital part of scene play.  We push each other's limits, but it is important to come back from those.

So, many things learned.  I feel disoriented like I've been spinning in a house in a tornado, but understanding the big mistakes I made have me back on solid ground....and I hope the same for a certain boy out there.  Even though I am an unapologetic atheist, I find it funny how certain things mash up.  The boy finally has a name. Oz.  Quite honestly, it has very little to do with the movie, or the show, or the prose.  Just a name that means strength....something I find very honorable in him.

-afina