Value

I feel like shit.  An altruistic gesture turned sour.  Oz had another instance where he was in need and I looked for a way to fullfill that need.  Not in regards to being his Dom, necessarily...but just out of that part of my personality that likes to help.  Instead, I caused distress.  Some examination of it...I've realized this is a common theme for me.  I'm really good at trying to do something nice for someone and I end up making them feel bad for trying to do it.  With another friend, I wanted to buy a plane ticket so he could see his fiance, others I would cook for or buy tickets to see performance.  It's my little way of doing something "different" than going on and on and fucking on about how appreciative I am of their friendship to me.  Instead, it seems, I immediately put them in my debt.  Maybe I should look into spending more time as a volunteer...

It's over something stupid, really, but I'm beating myself up over it.  I knew Oz had a thing with money, but I don't think I really got it.  It's not something he needs to explain, however, I'm now left with a little mental list of receipts of money I have spent on him thinking that each one of those is a negative over a positive.  I can't help but think now that the collar that I made him- that I bought materials to make for him- serves as some constant negativity because he didn't want me to spend money on him.  It's my own hang up with money.  I've watched how my mom completely obsesses over it, it rules her, it's been a yardstick to measure our relationship as far as who "owe" who.  I have the exact opposite.  If I know something will make someone happy and I have the means to provide, I will.  Everytime.  Without fail and without anything beyond a simple acknowledgement for myeffort.  Whether it's a beer at the bar, a coffee before a shopping trip, it means that I get a smile and my hope is they'll skate on past that whole idea of they have to pay me back now and see that I do it solely because of that smile.  It's the tangible aspect of giving something that is mine to them since I can tell them till I'm blue in the face how much they mean to me- words can be vapid, but this momentary gift of effort and possession has the possiblity to stay. 

For example, I know that Omnia may not remember word for word what I told her about what her friendship means to me, but I know that taking her to get her to get a pedicure will stay much longer. My intention was wanting her to know how much I appreciate her friendship and allowing me the chance to express it means mountains to me. I actually got very embarassed when the girl who did her pedi realized I was paying for the entire bill and told Omni how good a friend I was... my thought was why the fuck shouldn't I?  This girl has placed immeasurable amounts of trust in me, acknowledges the special relationship I have with her husband and is putting effort into that to be okay with it when the easier option is to dismiss it and still wants to become good friends with me... NO I just bought her a pedicure, I'm the one who should be thankful because she can be accepting of all this and the ways I show appreciation to her.  I'm not trying to discount myself either... I know my words have weight, but I've never learned how to feel comfortable with them speaking wholly for me. 

Things I've gotta work on.  Till then, I hope Oz understands that I have an innate desire to take care of him.  If I see him needing something, what type of Dom am I who will not try to find the means to provide?  My intention, beyond my innate desire to be a helpful and giving friend, is to show him that he is without need in his service to me.. at least what is within my capacity to be able to provide. 

-afina