Bittersweet

I miss Domming Oz.  Trying to be witty or vague about it isn't working.  I just plain miss it.  In a practical sense...he's been awfully mean to me lately and I have no way to stop him as he can fight back!  I mean, I can, but one pinch begets another pinch only harder until both of us are in a pile on the floor laughing, screaming, and usually me saying uncle until GM or Omnia tells us to stop.  I wonder if there are other instances where the D/s game is called off for one reason or another and it manifests into this sort of quasi-adolescent sibling rivalry.  It'd be interesting if that's the case.

In all seriousness, I don't miss it enough to risk a friendship.  Kind of like trying to lose weight on a diet, you can't eat cake at every meal or it defeats the diet.  And I recognize too the dangers of saying that I miss this because, as accommodating as Oz was as a sub, he is naturally and I don't want this to be mistaken for an attempt to set the ball rolling-  This is my blog and I'm just needing a place to sort my feelings.  Though, I may ask for emergency domination powers when I get into a pickle of his physical strength being more than mine and I don't want to yield... 

...I kid.

There are aspects that I miss more than others...  I really enjoyed coming up with tasks- not for what they where, but to watch and see what result they ended in.  It was a lot of fun trying to find where that line was where he would get frustrated and try to teeter on it.  It hard to pick a favorite because I felt like I was all over the board with them by either making choices, investigating things, learning how to do new things.  I liked all of that.  It pressed me to learn new things as well.  My origami skills when I met Oz and Omnia were marginal... I couldn't even make a water bomb base from memory... now I have flowers and shells, and modular pieces I can pluck out of the bank and it's a great way to engage anyone within eyesight.  But I would probably pick that.  The first command I gave him was to make me a lotus without any mistakes.  He didn't...so I had him remake it.  It was just an exercise in control- for myself included because it was the third thing he had made for me and I had to rip it apart to show him the mistakes. I really didn't want to!

I think what has me craving it is the fact that it was so integral in the forming our friendship.  In a way, it feels like an aspect of the friendship is gone....but not really- it's kind of hard to explain.  I think it would be like taking away a form of communication in a relationship- like suddenly your friend you get together with every Wednesday for lunch has a job change and they're no longer available to meet you.  It's not gone, but a natural flow of expression is and it takes some getting use to.  I think why it's hitting me now is that we would have periods of "drought" and so it not being there for awhile has been easier to deal with in the beginning and less so as time goes on.  Since I am a silver lining sort of gal... I don't feel like anything is missing from the friendship- I don't feel like he's "done" with me, or Omnia for that matter.  And in those lines between, I did get a one/two punch of change.... meh.

It doesn't help either that my little Domme decided to play around in my dreams last night.  We four were hanging out and Oz decided to hold his beer up against my bare arm in the kitchen to make me jump.  I turned around and told him, "Give me your beer."  He started to protest and I lowered my voice almost to a whisper and said, "Oz...."  Immediately he had that look in his eye where he looks intoxicated, his shoulders drop and his head lowers into a bit of a bow.  I grabbed the beer, set it down on the counter and undress him completely.  While he's standing there naked, I push him backwards to lean up against the door with the back of his head and shoulders and pour some of the beer on his chest, letting it trickle down.  From there, I proceed to clean him up with my tongue, making him stay still and of course, focusing on his dick until it comes to a full erection.  After all the beer has been licked up, I say, "Next time, don't surprise me or I won't be nice and take your clothes off.  Now, go get dressed."  Then, of course, it turns into my empty fridge dream where it's a super busy night and I go to start prepping and there is an empty fridge.  Argh....my brain sometimes....

"Momma told me there'd be days like this..."  I want to reiterate that this is how things hit me.  I'm not trying to find a way back in, if there is a way back in, before the appropriate time.  I think, in a way, it could be likened to a sense of mourning, which I'm notorious for delaying as long as possible.  Even if some aspect of our D/s relationship comes back in the future- what was is gone, and I realized it today.  So, yeah, I am a bit sad, but I don't want to discount the happy that was had.  I mean, who gets to have that sort of honesty and trust so soon in a friendship and it be genuine?  I'm not one to trade a blessing for a want.

-afina