This is a difficult post for me to write, because, I recognize how it may be considered unpopular by some, but even though I don't give two flying fucks, let alone one, it's still difficult to turn away. But that I no longer recognize what I am looking at and how that has silenced me is an issue I need to stop giving attention. My blog, my words, this is who I am.
Good girl, you're *finally* getting it. About fucking time.
The past few weeks have been intensive in so many ways. I've seen Fawkes a lot recently and every time his presence becomes more of a condorting (::snort::) element in my life. I trust him as equally as I do GM even though I haven't known him for that long. But time has never been my friend in any aspect of my life which is why I've never given it much weight in deciding what is important to me. I moved in with GM three weeks after dating...fuck you time!
Feeling this way is still unsettling none the less. It's all brand new to have someone really truly mean to be such an important aspect in your life. And that what they serve in your life is something you simultaneously discover has been an aspect of your life going back to your early childhood and how it's been fighting to get out all this time....when you finally accept it about yourself, it's terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.
Simply: I love Fawkes. I love that he is mine. I love everything about him and I intend to keep him in my life as long as possible. He, his wellbeing and his happiness in serving me are priorities in my life. Ensuring that this dynamic works is critical to me and that my on-guard disposition towards it is only alive in outside sources. GM, me, Fawkes. We three are three very happy people. That is all that matters.
Talking about all this with GM has been so much easier than I had imagined....but he said that my happiness about how things have been going is painted on my face and that he is not threatened by my feelings or Fawkes'. He's said I've done an excellent job of managing my time between the two of them. Fawkes' respect for GM is a constant as well (as is GM's for him) and they have tentatively and slowly been interacting more. I love it. :) How odd that I can share all these feelings with both of them without fear and yet how comforting it all is.
Having these things become more solidified and real has really opened up the door to her. I've never felt so in tune with my dominant side since being given the space to explore those things I've only really dreamed of having. I read a note on Fetlife about how we D-types are really lost egos without our subs. It's never been truer. That she's always had the space to play, but with nothing to chase, it's just pointless....running around for the sake of it? No....that's too boring.
So boring....but now I've got my little birdy flitting around begging me to chase him. It feels so good to run and hunt and capture him between my teeth.
I've always been a biter, I've had a boyfriend break up with me over it....and over the years I've buried it away in the closet with all my other skeletons.
Then along comes Fawkes....with his delicious pallid skin and while I remember reading on his profiles that he liked being bitten....we had never really discussed it. If I remember correctly (meaning, it might not have happened this way, but it sounds correct in my head), in attempting to do things to him and being frustrated, I bit him. Not hard, but a little nip on his side. The moan that escaped his lips was maddening. I sunk my teeth in a little deeper and he called back with ache that begged for more.
The rest of what happened was a blur...and a little more risqué than I want to put on here. (Can't tell you all everything! Sheesh!) ;)
But his body was covered in bite marks.....he experienced subspace....and when we finished, I kissed them all to seal them with the love I have for him giving me the space to be myself.
My little bird, I'm just an asshole with an ego without you. Love you.
my teeth in your flesh holding you close,
Afina
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| M'aimer pour qui je suis |
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