No....I have, but I've been too sick to and hopped up on wonderful steroids to focus. Stupid pneumonia. It's been no fun and that need to write has just had time to build up so hopefully I can get it all out and get back to base so that I can write as things I need to write happen without a catalog of information built up in order to do so.
So where did I leave off...... the last post as well was a battling my own demons of allowing the expectations of others to have too much value in my head. I recognize that I lead a very interesting and complicated life. Who else is a married freight working, former chef mom who likes to fuck men and women, write obsessively and order around a boy? Sometimes it's hard to remember which hats are yours and which aren't. Sometimes all those things in your life get tossed up in the air and you've gotta juggle and how you do makes no sense to anyone but you. I have a hard time remembering that it's okay for me to do that and resistance/concern to how I do that does not equate to disapproval, it's just the projection of others own model for how they find successfully juggling their lives and a suggestion that I use it. I don't have to do everything everyone else's way in order to keep the heavens in synchronicity. Duh. :)
The relationship I've been forming with Fawkes has been quite interesting. I love being able to pull myself out of it for a moment and look at everything going on and every time I do, I have a sense of great wonder. There are still so many times that I feel out of practice being a Domme. So many times I look on something I did and think, "Doh!" that was a perfect opportunity to do x, y, z. But I'm not too terribly worried about it. We are still in this stage of getting to know each other and we both find each other so interesting that the D/s aspect has been overshadowed to a degree....to the point where even She is shielding her eyes from "The Dumb" (as GM likes to call it) that is shining so brightly right now. The Dumb is essentially new relationship energy where you turn into a zombie snail and not do snail things like go up to the tops of the leaves so you can be eaten by a bird. I am an exceptionally lucky girl to have a husband who really truly gets this aspect about me, not feel threatened by it, and gives me no resistance to making my own happy accidents. If I'm the zombie snail, he's out there shooing away the birds to make sure I don't actually get eaten.
Snails.....mermaids....what other metaphors are you going to come up with?
Last week Fawkes came over during the day so we could "watch" a movie. We did watch a little of it...but really we only had it playing in the background. You could say that the sexual attraction between the two of us is.....ginormous? Yeah....that's a good word for it. I love that frenzy of where you find someone's touch simply electric and your zombie brain kicks in and thinks, "Grrrr....make out.....arrrghhhh."
But Afina, a make out session isn't really D/s.
Go away Scottsman!
The benefit here is that I'm learning Fawkes' body and how it works. Is a couple fingernails down his ribs to his hips ticklish or erotic? Licking his nipple exquisite or torturous? Things are shaping to be very sensory driven and I need to know these thing. That I like these things is, well, titty sprinkles. I'm not doing either for the other but both are in tandem with developing a relationship.
The day turned into a rapidly approaching dinner time and in my new friend, in my new submissive, I've also found a foodie. We grabbed a couple of my cook books and found an Irish dish-complete with dumplings- and went to the store to buy the ingredients. And I can't forget the apple cake. Yes, another grocery store.
If you ever told me that I would find joy in a grocery store as a Domme, I would have given you a cock-eyed look. Years of working for a small restaurant where, instead of calling in an order for items, I actually had to go shop for them burned me out on the whole shopping experience. Same bat day, same bat time, going and buying the same bat food will absolutely kill any desire to do that at any other time.
He followed me around as I darted around the store...mostly staying in a pattern of working from one section to the other to get the ingredients we needed. When I would wander 'off track' to grab something, sometimes he would stop and stay put and other times he would follow me to wherever I went. I kept stealing glances at him to gage what he thought of my 'randomness' and he seemed content to wait for me to return back to our cart. If I pondered over this or that, he would just observe and try to make helpful suggestions wherever he saw fit. When we paid, he grabbed almost all of the groceries (I'm still not in the place where I don't feel rude not being the helpful person I like to be) and went back home to cook.
It was a great meal, however, something was wrong. Part of what worked for us to have this evening was GM going out and with it being a school night for the kid, we could hang out some more and I had intended on talking about different things and aspects but I could tell that Fawkes' was "off". As moments passed, I could see a growing uncomfortableness about him.
"Are you okay?"
"I've got a bit of a headache," he'd say with a smile, but I knew it was a pressed one. I could see the gears turning in his head to attempt to push the headache away, to force the growing unease so I wasn't worried that it was a situational issue, but something else.
He told me he felt a bit sick to his stomach.
Great Afina....the first meal you cook him and it's tearing up his insides.
To save the gory details of the rest of the evening, I'll just say he was sick to his stomach and he swore to me that he had felt this coming on before he ate a bite (and I was fine). But I won't lie about the, "Whomp whomp" the tiny chef in me had. At least it wasn't my recipe. I can't take blame for that.
But in all seriousness, I was very concerned. Traveling back and forth from the couch to the bathroom several times and neither bringing the comfort sought in those destinations was becoming alarming. Usually, you feel better after you puke and he wasn't getting there. Knowing enough about diet- he basically restarted his food clock back to early morning and had no calories so he needed something that could get into his stomach and stay there without doing anything worse. I know ginger has really effective anti-nausea abilities to it so I decided to get him some ginger ale. I left my poor Fawkes hugging my toilet to go get some. ...four stores later, I raced back home to find him still hovering and gave it to him. It didn't come back up and he almost instantly stopped looking so green but he was still in pretty bad shape.He kept apologizing over and over, he felt like he ruined our day together and that he was super lame and I kept reassuring him that all of that was furthest from the truth and he had nothing to apologize for. I was happy that he listened to me and we talked idly about how much fun we had earlier. I was still worried about him so I grabbed my pillow and made him lay down on the couch. All this had happened after GM had gone to sleep but when he had come home and saw Fawkes himself- he told him to crash. There was no driving for him in that condition.
He eventually fell asleep, curled up while I stroked his cheek with my fingers. He finally looked peaceful and calm and I could finally let my guard down-and I totally passed out as well (and not in the most comfortable position but I didn't mind). It was only a couple hours later that we both happen to wake up and I could see that whatever guttural demon crashed our party was gone and I felt okay with him driving himself home. Hugs and kisses....he left and I couldn't help but smile. It was an unusual date, but I like those. I like taking care of people and I was glad to be there for him.
The silver lining.....it gave me a chance to show how much I really cared for him. That I would do that for anyone is true, but in a world today where people can't look beyond their own nose of someone else's overtures to accept those sentiments of empathy, finding someone who does breathes life into the clarity I seek being myself. Simply, I didn't take care of him because I saw it as an opportunity to show him how awesome I am and that he's going to owe me back because this is what we're going to be doing for each other. No...he was in need and I was there. How could I not?
I think sometimes there is a misnomer about D/s dynamics that things only go certain ways and if they don't that means this or that. Even those deeply imbedded in the culture can find themselves arguing over what sort of behavior is D/s or is not and how all that shapes up to be "valid". I don't want to necessarily blame entertainment on this (books, porn, exposure), but regardless....I felt like nothing but a Domme and nothing but a friend the entire day. It was how I wanted to feel and I will cherish that day for a long time. My Fawkes is safe, secure and protected....I couldn't be happier.
-Afina
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