GM and I went to the bondage expo in Dallas this weekend so that he could vend all of his wonderful wares. He did an awesome job, got lots of drool all over our tables and took one more decided step forward in realizing his dream of working to be able to afford an Audi for himself (and not his bosses.)
I'm quite proud of him and I met so many amazing people- that I didn't recede back into my introverted cave of solitude speaks volumes-VOLUMES about all of them. Fawkes and I got invited to an event this weekend to connect with other femdoms and male submissives and for me, that fact alone made the weekend have titty sprinkles all up over it. Happy husband, networking....what more could a girl ask for?
Oh yeah, that whole mopey ass girl walking around with a chip on her shoulder and taking, while technically rude questions-they were relatively innocuous, wanted to ask for something. I wanted Fawkes with me but he couldn't be there due to previous engagements. And of course that side of myself is never satisfied with the sense of, "Oh, well, sometimes this is just the way the cookie crumbles....nothing to be upset about." I know I should be more like that and less, "But but but!"
This combined with the house rules of no cellphones (thankfully as a vendor I could have mine on me, but if it was obvious that you were spending too much time on it, you could get kicked out.) both of us being busy, we didn't get to talk as much as we use to and it threw me in a funk. I hate admitting it, but it did. I wanted him there, I wanted access to him, I wanted not look like such a tourist (thanks porn industry for never showing a femdom in anything other than latex or leather), I wanted him to meet other people as well so that he could see how they are on the other side of that self acceptance process in being submissive. And I was sad an angry that we didn't get to do this.
But, now I'm back home, well rested and fooded with things other than road food. Crowne Plaza Hotel- your Philly cheesesteak sandwich sucks. All of that is starting to fade and the silver lining is getting to go out and meet "our kind" this weekend.
The one thing that was holding though, due to our weekends being busy and Fawkes' school schedule was feeling a disconnect with him. In one hand it's simple mathematics. On the other, it's a breeding ground for that negative voice that likes to be like a constrictor telling you that the reason your submissive isn't there is because he doesn't want to see you, this is all some big joke-even though you have his precious guitar, even though you have those selfies with the glint of silver hanging out and even though he is making every attempt to contact you when he can- you can't turn off the negative voices. You fucking know there is no reason to feel that way but all that negative energy from being tired and emotionally drained from a good but stressful weekend is just constantly waiting for you to breathe out and tighten it's grip around your neck and cutting off the connection between your own mind and heart.I finally "broke" last night and told Fawkes that I had been feeling this way and that I hated myself for it. The only thing he got upset about was me not allowing him to be there for me....but doing that is something that hasn't been part of my nature for quite awhile. If you don't allow anyone to be there for you, you don't have to worry about them falling short of your wants and needs. I've grown accustomed to not asking for that help and suffering through the demons that wrack my brain until I finally break and I collect all the pieces and put them back together. Even dominants can have unhealthy masochistic tendencies.
He asked me to promise him to not let myself go so far down that tunnel of negativity alone...he understands that it's difficult, but he understands things such as, "I'm afraid to call because I'm afraid you won't answer because you don't want to talk to me." That I know it's not a logical conclusion. Even as obsessive as I am about having my phone on me, it's doesn't mean I don't miss a call or text on occasion. He accepts that behind this commanding authority is also a girl who can be deeply insecure at times...that's something very comforting. I like that he "nips at my heels" if he sees me being dumb about things. I'm definitely a lucky girl.
I'm going to start working on taking better care of myself. This week I'm just going to try and get back into the habit of a normal sleep schedule, a normal eating schedule and start looking for a new job where I have a more normal schedule. I recognize how those things help give kindling to a voice that got a little too strong in my head again.
-Afina
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