Time after some Time

Okay....not completely closed....

I haven't been writing lately.  I haven't been doing much lately except working.  I know it hasn't been exactly this bad, but it feels like I've had a chain on my ankle attached to the prep table at work that occasionally gets let out for me to remember there is an outside world. 

It fucking sucks....but I digress.

It's been about six months now since Oz and I dissolved the D/s relationship and about the same amount of time since I've done anything in the BDSM realm.  Mostly because I haven't had the time to, and also because I don't have anyone to do it will....because I haven't had the time to find anyone much less work on crafting a relationship with them. I briefly contacted some guy who was from the UK who was coming to Texas, but that fizzled.  He was nice, but I think I went hunting for a replacement too soon. The only silver lining has been that I've been too busy for the lack of play and how sullen it can make me to have any present effect on my mood.  The difference being that I'm a little quicker to react.....irrationally to things.  All work and no play makes Afina a dull girl.

I do miss being a Domme....an active Domme as it is, because in reality, I never stopped being that.  Even though things had been off for a long while, Oz would occasionally wear his bracelet.... I would see it pop up in pictures or on some occasions when I would see him mid week.  It was nice.  I felt like it was a small homage, a little reminder that yes, that did happen and yes, it was real.  I hadn't seen him for a few weeks and this past Wednesday when I did, he wasn't wearing it.  It didn't bug me or anything, but it gave me the sense of more time passing that I haven't been active in because my stupid brain is about three months behind the present.  I had to go through a little conversation with myself, reminding myself of the things I told myself when it ended that those little trinkets of connection to that time would find a shelf to retire to and still be a happy memory, but would collect dust and new adventures and connections and fun would remold the ball of clay that is our friendship.  And it has be doing that....I guess I just expected my perspective to be a lot further along by that point.  But GM and I have missed parties, I can't text as much as I use to, and when we have gotten together, it has seemed like such a rush of effort- no sitting around and shooting the shit.  I haven't had the time I had to pound that clay in the way I had hoped I would be able to.  ::giggity::

In hindsight, I wish that Oz and I had discovered the whole D/s thing much later in our friendship than when we did.  Don't get me wrong, I am by no means unhappy with what our relationship is now, but trying to grow the beginnings of a very grand friendship AND that was too much.  But, I'm not surprised with how the cookie did crumble, it's in his and my nature to dive head first into new and exciting things to us.  But now I feel like we have the friendship we needed in order to do the D/s stuff in the way that would have made everyone comfortable.  I no longer have those fears that I'm going to do something so wrong- which would be just general human error- that would make him say, "Fuck you! You're a horrible person and I don't want to be your friend anymore!" I know he's my friend and loves me and has his own vested interest in maintaining our friendship.  But, c'est la vie.  I don't need to have it back with him and my "want" to have it back is just a closed, but unlocked, door that I just acknowledge is there.  Maybe one day, maybe not.  Having that friendship with him- as well as Omnia- is far more important.

A little happy here at the end: The O's did give me what has to be the most absolutely fantastic birthday ever!  They took GM and me to play pool, Omnia took me to get my fingers and toes done, and to top it off I got a cute gift AND tickets for the four of us to go watch the Stars play (and win! WOOT!!!!!!).  AND, some really awesome and spectacular sex the night after pool!  I'm not saying that GM hasn't done awesome things for me either, but I've never had friends do something like this for me.... ever.  Coming from me who's had break ups, to best friends trying to sleep with my boyfriend at my party, to ruined surprise parties,to having no shows, ruined slumber parties, to being screamed at by my mom.... this meant soooo much...

Crap.... my eyes are leaking again.  :)

Hopefully I can continue to write... if I can find the time.

Afina