Those who can't....

I am off for the next three days!  I am so happy!  Granted.... I have some work that I'm going to do, but it is namely stuff so that when my week off comes up, I don't have to worry about it then and I can really enjoy my time.  Kicking it off by writing!

For the first time in a long while, I had thought about some game and task ideas for a sub. I still adore the idea of the carrot and the stick sort of games, where you put a difficult task in front of them with a nice reward and the alternative of doing nothing with a hefty fine.  The whole point behind this sort of game is to test, demonstrate and gauge what a sub is willing to go through in order to please the Domme.  It was one of my favorite methods of playing the game because I liked things having a choice, like a choose your own adventure game. Granted, it's kind of rigged, but that was the point- choosing the easy way or the hard way.  Ultimately, the reward of putting a sub through "hell" to give them a sense of satisfaction with their reward-no matter how small the reward is, or watching them take the easy road and then suffer through punishment that excites the Domme is separately but equally enjoyable.  For me, what always did it on that end was getting that look that said, "I am only doing this because you told me to," but read, "I'm willing/trusting/anticipating that you are crafting something I will enjoy, even though I have no clue of what it is yet."  It is an exercise in blind faith, so to speak, which was very thrilling for me. 

But I thought back to my origins...whenever discovering this thing inside me existed, I remember having the idea of being a beloved queen. .....maybe that's what all princesses should wish to become one day....  But as someone who rose to the occasion of a role that was inherited through the mother of experience and the father of situation.  Which at heart is the one thing I've fought with the most is recognizing who I am that, to be cliche, I was born into this and these aspect about me were the things that were nurtured.  I don't see general concepts like love, trust and empathy the way others generally do.  They are end products to mathematical algorithms that show things as true or false.  Vested interests are more often about time than importance or desire because time, predictability and demonstrated feelings and thoughts through action make more sense in my head than whimsy, and being along for the ride or taking passive stances of "seeing what happens."  Heh....doing that gives me a mild panic attack.

I think that is important, though, to recognize what it is you are in order to become what you want to be.  For me, even though I'm recognizing after my first experience is done, I was afraid of what I wanted to be... that I couldn't handle the pressure of the role I coveted.  And that still may be true, but I'm not afraid to find that out anymore.  And what do they say about experience?  It's something you gain immediately after you need it.

So, this may be the route I take... slowly reflecting on what this, "Being a Domme" thing is to me.  What it means and how it reflects on exactly who I am and how this all came to be.  At least its a better direction than the one I have been taking.  I don't want to let the gears get rusty.... so maybe I have something to teach.

-Afina