Oz wrote, "The wind will not break a tree that bends," after a pretty major fight we just had. It was at a swingers party and everything seemed to foul up here and there. I was confounded by Oz's willingness to go play with me, not only first, but so early in the night. I wasn't use to it.
Then, because of my spastic ass, there was the whole issue of having to wait for somewhere to play. And the issue of going to smoke while Oz waited for us for a room to play in and coming back up and having his dick sucked by someone else. My initial reaction was that he was done with me. It wasn't the case and factors of being left alone, extremely drunk girl, all of that stuff settled it. It basically boiled down to my insecurity in being able to trust people, to have confidence in them that they will not do something to hurt me. Granted, there is something guttural about the reaction when your expecting your mouth to be wrapped around someone's dick in the next few moments and someone beats you to the punch.
But that didn't excuse the big no no I did.
I pulled the Domme card out at the party....the swingers party. And it wasn't an organic pull like when I ask him to be my lovely assistant to show off a flogger or when we're fucking and I gently grip his throat and tell him to fuck me harder. No, I pulled it out in the open, for, of all things, him putting his finger in my belly button.
Oh there's that lovely emotion you haven't felt in awhile....shame.
Looking on the bright side, it's been a long time since I've added something to that list. And I should be embarrassed about it. It was wrong to do and I wasn't in control of myself. But a different perspective: He hit the weak spot in this diamond hard shell I had formed around myself that was the belief that there was a way to make this work. That I could contain myself in these construct of being a part time Domme, subject to the restrictions placed on the relationship by outside sources that I didn't like. Valid as they were, absolute requirements as they were, I didn't like them. Yes, I have restrictions placed on me in what I can do as a Domme with someone else in my own relationship with GM, but they were in no way aligned with the restrictions placed on Oz with Omnia. I was living on the hope that maybe she would become accepting of what was going on, refusing to look at the writing on the wall that she wasn't. And understand: I'm not upset with her for those. Her feelings are as valid as my own. Before Oz poked me, I had already been thinking that maybe this wasn't the best arrangement, my needs in a D/s relationship had become so much that what was allowed wasn't filling them. It was the hard link of our friendship that was making me deal with this constant deficit. We had talked several times about how the friendship fed the D/s aspect and the D/s aspect fed the friendship. I didn't want him to think that I didn't need him.... how do you fell half a tree without killing it?
Me acting the way I did and his response to it was the way. He said that he wasn't my dancing monkey. It made me realize that in many ways, I was treating him that way- not out of my own design, but in the way to make the relationship continue in such a way that was conducive to making everyone comfortable. Omnia never minded when I was mean. She didn't even seem upset when I threatened Oz with punishment in a D/s fashion for messing with my bellybutton. That was the aspect she was comfortable with. Beat on him, be mean to him, that stuff was fine. But the moment I am sweet, she would become uncomfortable. (again, which is totally fine). I believe that Oz knew under it all that the persona I grew into wasn't me and there was frustration in that as well. He's a big pusher of "buttons" to help people be who they are regardless of that relation to himself.
So, it was decided to dissolve the D/s relationship. For the most part, I've been dealing really well with it. Recognizing this has been a hindrance on the friendship between the four of us wasn't that difficult and I believe that it was stagnating that. No, you know it was, it just took you awhile to recognize it. And any feelings of deficit that I was having will be quickly erased by the sentiments of friendship.
The hardest part right now is dealing with this new found "freedom" I have. It feels like a big empty room. That aspect is taking some time to adjust to. And don't get me wrong, I have had moments of sadness. Thinking about how to act now has me feeling silly. And yes, Oz, I hear your voice saying, "Act normal dammit!" Saying goodbye to something and changing behaviors always comes with growing pains and thankfully, GM is there to help ease my occasional butthurt.
In spite of the negative and the bad, I had a lot of fun. Truly, I would do it all over again because I think we all learned things about ourselves during this. Not to try and "get it right", because I think we did get it right. Okay, maybe I'd take out some of the negative, but that's just because I don't like to see people hurt, but I digress.
Thank you Omnia, pushing yourself far beyond your comfort levels so that I could explore this with your husband. It was appreciated more than I can blather on about (and you know I can!). I hope that I haven't left you with any worries of animosity or grudges. I held onto my tenet that the friendship was more important than this, and I'm sorry my bullheadedness made me take longer than I should have to recognize that was getting too close to the danger line. You truly are a wonderful friend.
Thank you Oz, for this wonderful ride with you. You helped me learn a lot about myself and you were there for that first step and as it ends, you leave big shoes to fill. But I'm happy. I didn't lose you as a friend because of this and so there is no real loss, no real pain. And I know as I move on to filling those shoes, you'll be a helpful friend reminding me not to sell myself short, demand that I be who I am, and refuse to let me settle for anything less than what I want. I'm glad you always were something more than just a sub. :)
With all this, comes the end of this blog. This story is closed. I'm not done being a Domme, nor am I done writing. But with the chapter closing, I don't feel I would do it any honor by continuing to write on it. I've changed so much that there is no longer anything submissive about me. I am a Domme. It's time to move on. I hope to be able to continue to be a part of the BDSM community with blogging to help get awareness out there that we kinksters are just normal peeps too, with our regular lives, quirks and feelings that have their place in this great big social experiment we call life. Thank you to all those who joined me on this ride, I'll see you on the next when I will come back and update this with a link to my new blog, once I have it fleshed out, but in the meantime, I hope you enjoy this.
-Afina.
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