I feel like I have to get this out of the way first. We had a swinger date with some new folks last night and I had a lot of fun.
But... (yeah, you know, there is always a but, isn't there?)
GM and I came to the conclusion that I am Oz-spoiled. It was a weird night all around as I am on my period/first time playing/new jitters and me being an absolute spazoid. But like a horse that is spoiled by a barn, I caught myself at every turn wanting to jab, poke, pull hair, bite, and generally fuck with the guy. Thankfully the guy (and GM) were pretty forgiving... I don't like having so many times where we play with either I or someone unavailable for sex. It just makes everything all caddewompus. Bah, I'm looking forward to next time.
It had been a pretty tumultuous past few weeks for me. I went from dealing with an attempt from an ex, abusive friend to reconcile with me to Oz and Omnia having a rather nasty argument that I sat in as a mediator of sorts. There isn't much I want to share on either event... Oz was out with me so that we could discuss some D/s dynamics that had been bothering me. Namely my feeling like I was never doing a good job or being afraid of what I was doing I still hadn't come to terms with the fact that I wasn't "over" the shit that happened with the abusive friend and was terrified of losing Oz in any manner of ways. Even though he's repeatedly told me I have nothing to worry about, that instant feeling of, "You're just saying that." would poison the real sentiment behind it. And we talked that night about the symptoms, and we had started to scratch the surface of what was "really going on with me" Yeah...we're good at that, aren't we? Letting people know what's really going on in that head of yours? Okay, okay...truth, it was just honing in on it. It's a scary thing admitting what you're afraid of: Losing your friends. Then I get the text, apologizing for things long ago....a different lifetime ago. And I lose it. I cry, holy shit did I cry. It was as if a year and a half's worth of tears were saved up and came all out at once. I was a mess. And Oz just held me. He didn't try to rush me on home, and he didn't try peacock about how much better he was than this friend. He just kept me from damaging property or myself and rode the wave until I finally calmed down. I told all my fears to go take a flying leap that night. I'm not worried about losing him anymore.
Awhile later, Oz and Omnia have their fight. No readers! I didn't do anything wrong....sheesh. I know I'm bad, but I'm not that sort of bad....
I won't go into any details, but I moderated the discussion. That is always a bit scary... Because any true moderator knows, you can't steer the discussion and you can't get one party to look at something they don't want to. The best you can do is try to find things they aren't seeing because of negative feelings and repeatedly offer it up in hopes it will help crack the defensive/offensive back and forth that is an argument. I was glad that I was able to be there for them, I was glad that I was able to help out in some way. Omnia said that had I not, it might have drug out for a couple more days and Oz, heh, typical Oz fashion, I didn't get a thank you or a non thank you, but I got a smile and a hug and a, "Don't apologize," when I told him I was sorry for sounding stern on him. (In recounting the story to GM, he told me that I can get a little lecture-y and seem callous, so I apologized if I did.) Everything ended up better. I don't think there is that much worse in the world than seeing both my friends in pain at the same time and being able to do very little about it. Bah! Bleh! Too much serious!!!
Next weekend... we have the ball! I am so excited about getting to get all dressed up and be in Domme mode and all of us be out and be who we are with accepting people and get our freaky-deak on! It's going to be fun! I'll have to write more on that later...
-Afina
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