Everytime

Holy crap!  It feels like it's been forever since I've had the time to sit down and write. 

And I've already broken all my rules about sitting down and writing, but oh well.. here goes!

I fall for it every time.  Every god damned time.  Situations or scenarios in Oz's life seem to have the immediate ability to snap me out of being his Domme like it's nothing.  Oz has a dental appointment coming up and in telling me about it, he expressed that it could possibly hinder some of our activities this weekend.  Instantly, I go to thinking of all that I have planned and in my careful little constructs and wagering each one individually and then collectively if they will either help, do nothing, or hinder us having a good time that night.  I know that I should listen to the go with the flow, underdeveloped type B personality that is living inside me...somewhere... I think, but part of what gets me off with this is the thinking of different things and how they all play together and can create this symphony of what I intend to happen because it's what I want.

So...upon this news, I tell Oz to make sure to let me know his pain levels and such and if need be, I will alter my plans to accommodate.  I get told no, the only things I need to be concerned with are his ability to take a pill and that should he be on pain medication, his pain tolerance would be much higher so I would have to be mindful of that while flogging him. 

I fell for it again.  Negotiating, trying to accommodate.  And Oz getting obviously irritated that I have.  It's almost reaching an impasse on how to deal with it.  I'm no longer afraid of Oz failing his tasks but very, very simply, I think it's unfair of me to hold him into tasks that could exacerbate his pain from having dental work.  I know that there are aspects of that he likes, the threat and risk of punishment, but if it's coupled by the distraction of being in a painful physical state that is, and here's the biggie, not under my control, then how am I the one in charge?  I'm not, the pain is and I feel like I'm just taking advantage of my poor sub who is in pain when I should be taking care of him.  While it's not something I do often, there is an aspect where I want to treat him like a prince.  There was a time when he had some seriously crazy heart palpitations and I laid in bed with him, kept him warm, held his hands trying to calm his heart down.  The Domme in me is many things, one of which is nurturing. 

But this is where you just have to do it Afina...  It's not like you can't figure out if he's in pain, stop asking the boy who has already given you permission to do whatever you want for permission to do whatever you want.  He gets pleasure out of you putting your needs before his and making him bend to your will.  Honor that by doing it you soft bellied bitch.

Sometimes we need to have a little talk with ourselves, huh?  I keep forgetting that I can juggle the whip and the blanket, the blindfold and the head caressing, the misery stick and the massage.  I want fun, I want pleasure, and I want both of us to have that nice purr that buzzes in the back of our heads after a good session.  The point is to send Oz off with Omnia and both of them happy with the events of the night.  I know what makes them happy.... I just need to quit falling for my own traps and do it.


DOOO EEEEEET!!!

-Afina