The past few days have been rather intense. Went to a BDSM club for the first time, had a rather intense scene with Oz and the most important: GM relinquished ownership of me and I've fully realized I am no longer a sub, but a Domme that likes to be topped on occasion. I recognize that the name of my blog has become a little silly now... oh well. It still means something to me.
I went back and looked and realized it had been basically a year since GM and I did anything-by ourselves- that could be considered a successful moment enacting the dynamics of a D/s relationship. Even what happened with Oz and Omnia could only be described as a good top/bottom situation despite the submissiveness I exhibited. It was an emotional time for me as it was during the time Oz's collar had come off and during those emotional times are when I most often need to relinquish control.
The decision is still pretty fresh, but is being handled well. I'm not looking over the horizon with a negative sense for what will happen if I'm given a command and I don't obey. It reminded me of bringing this up on Fetlife about 5 months ago. I remember GM attempting to do stuff and I tried to go along with it as best I could, but failed and went looking for help. I had someone point out to me that it wasn't his commands that were the issue, but the fact that I didn't want to obey them. I remember brushing off the remark believing that I wanted to obey, but in truth.... I didn't. It had become something I fought against and had it not happened prior to me truly being Oz's Domme, I would have believed that the culprit and it likely would have been the scapegoat. It's so much easier to blame outside influences than yourself... In truth though, it was us, both of us. He sucks at being a Dom and I really suck at being a sub. The fact is, because GM is such a good husband, I don't need to lose that sense of control in the manner I did before. He pinpointed what was wrong and helped to fix it as best as someone outside my head could help. My kink was less about getting a fix and more about being fixed. It was serendipitous and it was real, but it had the life of a May fly. Usually we like when those bad periods die off, but this is bitter sweet. Admitting that we failed at something has to be dealt with carefully because, who wants failure? But, I don't look at it as a failure, just an evolution of something funny like that nerve that sits outside your elbow or nipples on a man. It's a little curiosity that shows it's importance; not through it's original purpose, but through some other happy accident. The important thing to remember is to not dwell.As bittersweet as the moment is, I do feel happier. I need to look at what I lost as a rift that was tearing at us. We plan to do things much more toppy and bottomy because, hell, I still love subspace and I still love to get my ass pummelled till it's beet red. And most of all, I get to get rid of something negative between my husband and me. Feeling very heart full. I still plan to wear my collar, I still plan to use my name, however, from now on it'll be capitalized. I'm eager to see where this top/bottom aspect will take us, but as long as I've got him by my side, I couldn't care.
-Afina
No comments:
Post a Comment