Well I am (un)happy to report that Oz is not getting caned... at least not for disobeying last weeks commands. His final command that I eluded to in the last post was to watch the movie Secretary. He still had yet to see it and while it was something I was hoping he would watch of his own accord, I'm glad he's seen it now. Removing the love story aspect of it, the subtle dance of protocol and discovering boundaries, how and when to push those and what you want out of this "game" was what I wanted him to see. To make sure he watched it, as opposed to listen to it, I gave him a pop quiz in which I asked him about different visual cues in the movie. Some were easy, some were ones that only flitted across the screen, but he answered them all correctly. That pleased me.
Argh... I've been itching horribly for a scene. It just feels like it's been forever since I've really waylayed on him and there are so many new things that I've thought up that I want to try. Up to this point, there hasn't been much in the way of sex being incorporated in our scenes. He likes sensory deprivation which doesn't lend itself well to sex (though, thinking on it for a moment made me think up five). I am hoping that we can do something soon, though, with our swinger net being cast out, we have other obligations to attend to in order to make more friends. This isn't something I mind, just conflicting desires and acknowledging one has gotten a lot less attention than the other. And, it's not like we haven't seen them recently.... this is the rational side of my brain telling the starving caged animal to sit tight for a little while longer... safely from the other side of the bars. But I could see it being echoed in the play we had the other night (went to a swinger event). Hair pulling, nibbling, etc. Normally when we fuck it's fast and frenzied, this time I topped him and went slow, heh, which confused the hell out of him. After we switched positions and before it got into that full on lizard brain of fucking, he seemed to fuss about, like he was making a bed (maybe I need more coffee). But it was as though was trying extra hard to make it be good...and I think that had mostly to do with how late it was and how tired he was, but his efforts were appreciated.
Back to sexual dominance. Having him watch Secretary made me think back to those first trepid commands I gave him that were sexual in nature. It failed, and while there was no hit to my ego, I have mostly avoided the sexual commands since. It's not a complication factor, but this: Oz has performance issues, namely, the ability to orgasm. Some of it is nature, some of it seems to be habits...but all in all, it is what it is. Doing things outside of simple commands which require no orgasm has been done in the past, but I've avoided doing anything close to that since then because of my issue with setting him up for failure and I don't like it when he fails... But, I do recognize where I've been narrow minded in my efforts in thinking that everything sexual has to end in an orgasm. Sure, I love the idea of being able to command him to orgasm. There have even been several times where, during sex and particularly after a scene, I've danced around with the idea of whispering in his ear, "Come inside me." while fucking to see if that little cocktail of physical action and mental reassurance can tip the scales over. What holds me back is that fear of it making it definitely not happen. It works for GM....but not everything works for everybody.
This time, I want to incorporate a few strict sexual dominance ideas that I've come up with. I've still been battling that sense of losing my dominance... it's a bit of a vicious circle. Having to carefully construct commands with execution and relying on this whole whirlwind of activity going on in two households can be tricky. There is a definite "forgiveness" due to these constraints, in that because we can't do what we want when we want the times of dry spells aren't being held against the other, but regardless, it still upsets the balance. All work and no play makes things dull. But, as I'm always one for the silver lining, I'm hoping with incorporating some sexual things that it will make the plunge down into those dark waters more satisfying with this lengthy delay. We shall see.
-afina
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