To back track a bit... I had started thinking about my blog and the fact that it is a litany of information for Oz and Omnia, as it was for GM "back in the day"....as well as for others (yes, those few readers I have, I hoped that this has somehow helped you). For Omnia, a way for me to convey my thoughts and feelings to give her the road map that usually follows months and years of getting to know someone. I promised myself that, if this whole situation was ever to actually work and be a healthy and positive addition to everyone's lives, I had to be truthful, at all times, no matter how scary it was for me to do so. This meant putting my feelings up for examination, without request to be done, and allowing myself to be fully dissected. For someone who's got the issues I do, this has been quite terrifying, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. I have an immensely rewarding friendship with her now that my only desire is to reciprocate. For Oz, those things are there as well, however, it has given me a way to show the importance of our protocols. Recognizing his own intrinsic fears of this friendship and this D/s relationship going away, I attempt to do what any good Domme should and show him that, through my thoughts and feelings, that I have no intention of dropping my post as his Protector. (side note: this is not in the framework of marital or romantic chivalry, but that of ensuring during those times which he is submitting to me, he is taken care of and each instance a crafted framework of that protection where he is able to let go, regardless of his need or lack there of). Last, but not least, with GM, it's given him an added tool to monitor my position with all these events. He's been a wellspring of helping me understand who I am and what I've become. He's there for me when I'm sad and frustrated, and revels with me when I'm elated.
But what about me? What do I get out of it?
With Omnia, we have our weekly date where we get to "step out of things" and talk about things, just as friends. I love the way that I can follow her little nuances and see the "I'm not buying what you're selling," looks and she makes me dig deeper when answers don't suffice. It gives me a way to find out if she approves of the directions and such. We have light hearted and serious conversations, everything all mixed up together. Tuesday is rapidly becoming one of my favorite days.
With GM, I get a way to bring him into these things that are important to me and show him how much his opinion- no, his presence means to me. I can already hear him saying, "Get on with it." my constant Mentor.
With Oz.... ::sigh:: that damn blank page. Most blog posts garner no reaction, just absorption. I don't mind it most of the time, but his lack of feedback, when I want it, can be disconcerting. With his submission- the compliance through non-compliance, it can sometimes become worrisome if we are fleshing out things and becoming more in sync with what we are doing, or am I still back at that canvas trying to make even the tiniest mark on it.
I got mad, I got frustrated, I even went through bouts of wondering if I was doing anything right or good. So I came up with the idea of having him, unknowingly, write a blog post. I felt as though, if I had given him the subject of "What does it mean to me to be a sub." I would have gotten a lot of vague references to letting go, being able to be calm, and a lot of that intrinsic male logical breakdowns of the ins and outs of the dynamics. Even threatening punishment to make it more personal would be an exercise in futility. The next logical step was to have him write a scene, where the power play dynamic would most likely come into full bloom, where he would feel the most submissive and place me, in his head, in the most dominant of our reaches. When I recognized how I needed to get what I wanted- a subjective view of the relationship from his perspective- I was springboarded by my eagerness to get it and failed, utterly miserably, in getting it. In hindsight, I guess I could have just asked, but this is more fun.
In the failing, he used his "get out of command/punishment" card which was valid for a month. I stuck myself with my own knife in my impatience and want for this command to be completed. In regards to what I wanted, this past month has been rather torturous on me. I fought between letting my fears of his possible waning desire for this and being sure to be exact and precise with my commands so that they wouldn't fail...that they couldn't fail. Oftentimes, I was met with defiance. Remarks about how there were flaws with the commands I gave- this instruction on this particular origami was flawed. Using every possible instance to still be compliant through non compliance. I felt as though it was as if we were waging a war, him challenging me not to lose my confidence in my abilities to dominate him all the while I was riding the failing of the command I felt was most important to me. At least, this was how it started out in those weeks following the first issue. Remembering cherished words from a conversation I had on fetlife, I allowed myself the pity party, got up, dusted off my ass and put my big girl panties on. Slowly, I began to feel that confidence rise again, realizing that I am nothing but a demanding bitch without my patience. That is what makes me a Domme. That is the game within my own head. Controlling my own desires and being in charge of how they affect Oz. With a little mentoring from my cohorts, and allowing the cease fire to expire, I reissued the command.I told him this time that I wanted a D/s scene, written in either first or third person, in his own words, from start to finish, in any length, that I would like. I gave him pointers that I like long things, and that if I didn't like it or if I was disappointed with his efforts, he would be caned for half an hour. I warned him, that I would warm him up at first, but that I would paint his ass with welts. In full disclosure, I think had he defied me and not written it, I would have seen it as stepping out of protocol, a white flag of sorts. That he knew I needed this, and it being ignored would be "too much".
When I woke up this morning, I noticed a text from him, asking if I was up at 4ish this morning. It was 7:30... I was sure he was already asleep- occasionally I will get texts like this but I usually think that he is wanting my advice on something. Normally I don't text him back immediately if I am, in fact, asleep, but remembering how he said he stay up to that time the night previous, I responded with, "I am now. What's up?" (reminder, he's at home, uncollared, so D/s is off) He responds with, "FB", indicating that I go look at facebook, so I did. At first I was confused- no notifications from him, but then remembering GM and I share that account and messages that have been read won't show a notification, I looked there. And there was my story.
As I read it, I smiled, heh, that Cheshire grin smile. I responded with a quick, "I like" and he said he was off to bed and told him that he would discover why I wanted him to write it after he woke up.
Reading it again.... I got the information I wanted. And it's a damn good scene. He writes very well. Because I liked it so much, I'm musing the idea of making this a repeated command.... Did I just feel a shiver across the area from a hand holding an android phone? Heh....
Since I wrote so much here...the story is to follow on the next blog post.
-Afina
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