Want to cry

It's been faaaar too long since I've posted, but in truth nothing eventful has been going on in the games.  Too much life has gotten in the way.  Better yet, too much regular life has infected my submission.  I haven't been able to calm down enough to get in a place a command issued would seem like GM attacking me and trying to run my life.  It would seem fake right now.  I've been in that headspace where everything feels like people are trying to take a piece of me regardless of how much I need it for myself.  Of course, GM has been nothing but kind, but the other nights attempts at engaging me were met with me essentially flying off the handle.  Any right I had to be a little disgruntled was thrown out the window for reacting as overly upset as I allowed myself to be.  But, in the light of the bigger picture, it just shows how bound up like a spring under so much pressure.  What is compounding it is knowing that I have at least four more days of stuff before I can feel like I'm at least mostly caught up with all the duties.  Until Monday, I just want to cry.

Hopefully once this week of hell is over, I can work on getting back in the right headspace.  Not being pulled in fifteen different directions should certainly help.

One thing nice that came out of this, however, was a further refinement of commands, rules, boundaries and games.  GM talked with me about how, right now, would be a very bad spot for me to get a good spanking that sends me into subspace.  I'm too much in fight mode to flutter off to that wonderful place.  But, we talked about how to keep the games going while everything is raining down like it is.  Taking "breaks" as it were only help push us apart.  Since we were talking on the sidelines, he asked for suggestions of what would have been a better option on the night where I got too upset about him trying to engage me. 

We talked about how he sees the commands in different colors.  Spanking, humiliation, punishment are all black, where ask tasks, touchy feely commands, making me do something for myself are pink.  I told him that right now, black would be bad, pink would be idea.  Went on to further explain that despite whatever headspace I am in, I still need this, want this, crave this.

So, now, GM has come up with a whole new list of commands, hopefully on my end to help me gain that space back where I'm getting back to myself: the ever willing sub who feels the the freest, safest, and most loving notes of life shackled where ever GM wants me.

-afina