...don't answer that.
I have been loving the dialogue with my inner Id. She is kind of freaking out a bit. Not in a bad way but in an "omg omg omg omg" really happy/excited/wants all this stuff to happen don't let Me fuck it up.
This entry might be a doozy.
As you can see, he finally has a nickname. Fawkes from the Harry Potter books. For those who don't know (shame on you), it is Professor Dumbledore's pet phoenix. I'm not explaining who Dumbledore is because that's far too complicate. I love the idea of a phoenix, that when things get old they are "shed" and there is new life underneath that is reborn from it's ashes. I feel the discoveries in this will emulate that. But regardless- finally I can call him something.
I told him this two nights ago when we got as close to meeting each other as we could for the moment. Video chat. And no you bunch of pervy degenerates- no clothes came off. Though, I did notice him blush when I pulled my shirt off my shoulder to show him my tattoo....
It was really nice though. We sat there for the majority of the time just staring at each other, but it wasn't awkward. I've had two boyfriends in my past who I met online in relatively the same order (First words, then pictures, then "live") and I always found the process of getting to know someone's mind first, voice second, body third enjoyable. I feel that it provides a mainline to trusting the communication necessary in any relationship as you don't have the issue of interpreting words with body language....all those silly awkward ticks we all have seem to diffuse when you feel the comfort of being able to express yourself without being self conscious of that way you may pick at your earlobe.
It was sweet how he kept almost falling asleep. His eye lids got heavy and I could see how his body would become relaxed. I got to indulge in my hyper awareness of things I see. I love seeing people comfortable and relaxed....it makes me peaceful.
This happened on the eve eve of when we were to meet. I'm glad we got to because I haven't been letting on exactly how nervous/excited/scared I was about all of this. I really like him and seeing him on the chat just kept solidifying it. I couldn't wait for Friday night.
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I think I'm going to skip over all the obvious nervousness of getting ready to meet him Friday....we had decided to meet at a munch in Dallas and I brought a good friend along with me for moral support. In hindsight, I'm super glad about this because I don't think I would have been able to drive myself. I'm going to have to do another entry at a later date why I have been so worked up about this, but those thoughts are still not completely lucid. The short: I have been thinking for the longest that this part of me was destined to become buried under six feet of dust. That I wouldn't be able to find anyone to click with after Oz and in the same spirit as I did with Oz. The aspect that I am more than just a Domme and my sub is more than that is critical. I don't think I could ever enter into one of these relationships in just those dynamics, but that those dynamics are born out of something greater. It's not monotone. Can't have sprinkles without ice cream. Banana pudding without Nilla cookies is just weird.
Okay, maybe I just did a decent job....but we all know how I like to write...
I was so nervous before he showed up to the restaurant. My friend and I decided to sit out on the patio that was deserted to wait for him and I swear I almost bounced myself off of the bench I was shaking so badly. Granted, my friends' excitement for me was definitely not helping the jitters but it wasn't a bad thing. She and I kept looking at the cars pulling up wondering which one was his. She called it on the car that drove by and I had to remind myself to breathe. (Why do I let myself get this way?!)
I saw him get out of the car and I couldn't wait for him to walk up to me....I had to have my first hug. Had. To.
We were both grinning ear to ear and when I wrapped my arms around his neck I felt my nerves just fall away. I like the way his body felt....he's skinny, but he felt solid and soft all at the same time. He gave me a gentle but firm hug back and I could feel his heart pounding against my chest. I don't know exactly how long we stayed there, but didn't really care. It was a good first hug.
We got in line to get food and I ended up-and I'm still not sure what exactly happened- but I ended up ordering his food. Having never been there before, I just got him the same thing I did. (lame) But what I'm not sure about is if that was what he wanted me to do? I had thought he asked me to, but who knows. I was still pretty beside myself. He also paid for all of our dinners....so sweet.
We three ended up spending very little time with the actual group for the munch. It struck me, having gotten to know him more from the time that we had agreed to meet at the munch, that the general openness and inquisitive nature of people into BDSM could potentially be overwhelming for him. Innocuous questions about orientation, labels, discussion topics could prove to defeat why we were meeting: To get to know each other. I made the decision to avoid the group.....but then, maybe it was a bit selfish as well....I wanted him to myself.
Conversations meandered as they do. My poor friend, she was essentially set up to play the third wheel that night but I am so happy with how Fawkes was... he was polite, inclusive and appreciative of what she was doing and having to sit through. I actually feel like he did a better job than me. :P
We had a time frame....the restaurant closed at ten and it was getting close to that time. My friend, almost as the thoughts were beginning to form in my head said she was going to go to the car and wait for us to finish up. I was so appreciative. She left us and at first we sat there for a few moments not really knowing what to do with ourselves, but it still wasn't awkward and we spoke about how wonderful everything had gone.
Not too long in, I remember that I had a present for him. We have been discussing the aspect of a collar and I have some things in mind that I'm honing in on (and now seeing him live, it'll help give me a better idea of what I want on him) but I wanted him to have something now. A trinket for him to fiddle with and stay with him throughout the day. Something that keeps the mental LSD away. Something that marked the transition of going from theory to practice.
Earlier that day I stopped at my favorite bead store (the one I had purchased all the findings for Oz's collar) and looked around. I kept my eye open for something that might be "it" but I wasn't holding my breath. In my searches I had contemplated an anchor and upon seeing on in the vast bins of various beads and findings, I settled on it. I knew I had a chain at home I could put it on and decided to go with that.
I told him that I had something for him and began to take the necklace off. I was a bit scared, but I kept it under control and handed him the anchor on the chain. I watched as he examined it and he didn't say anything immediately, but he looked up and told me thank you. I immediately went into my ole routine of backpedalling, telling him that it wasn't a collar, just a trinket, just something to hold onto (I felt so stupid suddenly), and he didn't have to wear it. He told me that he wanted to (Phew!) and asked if I would put it on him.
He had been sitting next to me this whole time so he turned around to where his back faced me and I put the necklace around his neck. Stupid girl chains, it's a touch shorter than I had hoped it would be. But touching him so intimately was.....electrifying. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and buried my face into his neck and we just sat there. It was sort of an absent minded move-I didn't really think about it, but found myself placing a kiss right where his shoulder meets his neck and I felt him (lol....I have to) "hitch" his breath and we did that thing you do when you feel that way where you lean in closer, press up against each other a little harder....there needs to be a word for that.
All this inching closer put me closer to his cheek and he pulled away to look at me and we smiled and I planted my lips against his cheek but stayed close. It was intoxicating. He did the move where he went into to kiss me but hesitated and began to move away but I grabbed his neck with my free hand and pressed my lips against his. I could feel the rush of excitement wash over him (I was having it too) and each fumble and slide of his lips against mine brought soft sighs and a little more fervor with each movement. I loved how delicately he'd nibble at my lower lip or slide his tongue across mine. I hated when the thought of time crossed my mind- knowing the restaurant was closing, knowing my friend was waiting, knowing this moment would end so much more prematurely than I wanted it to.
I pulled away....with all the strength I could muster....and said we should get going but how much I didn't want to...how much I hated that time wasn't being kind or understanding. We walked out, and the evening had became cold so I held onto him tightly on the way to my friends car (that's my story and I'm sticking to it.).
Fawkes thanked my friend for doing this (so sweet) and gave me a few extra kisses (brownie points for not being embarrassed or shy to kiss me around my friend who is also good friends with GM) Shut me in the car and proceeded walk away.
"So?" my friend asked.
"I'm a hot mess right now.." I exasperated and slunk down into the seat. I was watching him walk away and in a show of not wanting the moment to end, that I was watching it slip away with every step further he took, I put my hand up to the window and my friend chuckled at me but as soon as I did, I saw him turn around as I did this and my heart skipped. (I know it's just "coincidence", but damn...)
"No, not yet....hold on girl, I'll be right back," I said as I sat up and climbed out of the car and began walking towards him at an accelerated pace.
"Fawkes!" I called out to get his attention. He turned around, looking puzzled but smiling. I ran up and threw my arms around him one more time and kissed him again. I told him I had to have just a few more. He laughed with me and I got a few more and one last good hug before I turned back around (looking over my shoulder several times as I walked away....of course) and got back into the car.
We drove away and I kept touching my lips trying to hold onto those moments as I felt them, trying to keep the full reality of them still pressed against mine from fading. I had already imagined kissing him several times, but those fantasies paled in comparison. First kisses are important to me and this one did not disappoint.
I wants more....
-Afina
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