It's been awhile since I've written because I've been sick.. actually pretty darn sick too. Between work and daily life, I've been exhausted. Obviously, these things have made the Dom bang around like a caged monkey inside me..."She" isn't sick so she hasn't been happy. There have been opportunities to gear up here and there and I've missed them from this. Even a recent sexual command that I was quite proud of myself for thinking up almost got lost to a med and fever induced sleep. I knew he was going to be at certain places at certain times so I had a list of commands for him to complete- I had to set my timer and one of the times, if I missed it, I would have missed the command. I know Oz would have been understanding, but it's important for me to complete my goals with him. Sicknesses will come and go.
I've been testy... As much as I hate to say the name "Doreen" has been like a fly buzzing around me. I found out she hit on Oz last weekend at a party he went to with Omnia. This is in that dangerous area of being jealous and possessive of someone I have no right being that way over. It's easily explained, I feel like she would use it against me because I took her Dom away and spoiled her fun. I'm a threat because I don't pay her heed or any special attention. But she's the type of person who has to have everything for herself, so it has little to do with who I am, but that I have something that she doesn't. And yeah, I do have a fear that she would be able to do the physical acts of Domming Oz better. Root of jealousy and possessiveness is those fears of someone doing something better then you and making you look bad. Ugh... I know I need to get over it, because it's simply not true. Even if she was better at wielding a flogger, she doesn't have that connection with Oz that I have which forgives my novice abilities. She's an annoying, loud-mouth, attention whore who's vapid personality wears down even the thickest rose colored glasses. I don't mean to sound hateful... but I just want her to stop buzzing around me.
Things between GM and I have been strained lately too.. Mostly because, when I am sick he gets depressed. We don't have sex and the mere thought of it right now wants to send me into a coughing fit. I'm not a cuddly sick person who wants you to hold and love on me. I want to form my routine of shower, meds, teas, sleep- wash, rinse, repeat. This was one of the times I honestly wished that Oz was full time. I needed help taking care of the house to keep GM from being strained with work and such. It would have been nice to have him take care of certain things so that I could rest and recoup. Definitely off in the far of fantasy realm, but the thought of him taking care of things- cleaning, getting bills paid, making sure I took my medicine, getting the shower for me ready, going and making sure I had a wide variety of tea. Being there to keep GM entertained and occupied as well as the kiddo.... yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't think of it. Hehe, so it's understood to an audience of two: fantasy... I had a fever.... anything to make me feel better sounded good. ::wink:: But, definitely, I do wish the burden of taking care of my insufferable ass could have been split with GM who has done a great job of taking care of me in spite of the depression my being sick causes him.
I think all of this stuff going on has left me feeling a bit mean spirited. I was also thinking back to a time when someone who was very close to me was sick and I would help by coming over to take care of the kids or bring her soup....she knew I was, and I didn't even get as much of a, "Hope you're feeling better soon." Oh well... It's amazing what happens when you stop pouring your heart into the voids of other friendships, how quickly those friendships evaporate and you realize you were the only one keeping them alive. So, yeah, mean spirited.
I asked him immediately if he would do something for me. Remembering back to the time I commanded him to put his dick on camera...this time I made sure to give him the command again that he couldn't non-comply through compliance with...Well, almost, I fucked up on which way he had to face, but I gave him a look of, "You better follow this how you know I want you to or you know you're going to pay for it later," so he followed the command. Afterwards, I made the comment that it was to get him back, and I realized it wasn't just he and I to where I could tell him what it was for, rather that I didn't feel comfortable admitting that I was upset about his not wanting to own that mixed in his trepidations about me pegging him was a desire for it to happen so I blamed it on something else that was less of a window into what was going on in my mind. After the command was complete, Oz gave me a look that I didn't like- it was a look of being wounded, that it said to me, "You didn't do this because you wanted to, you did it to embarrass me." It might be my own projection, but the look none the less made me snap out of my little tantrum. I tried to tell him yesterday via text, but fighting through coughs and broken conversation, I couldn't get it out there either. So...here.
I'm not upset about it at all, I think the constant coughing that I've had has just simply made my fuse short. A lot of people, through some way or another, has made me feel bad about getting sick (mostly GM and work) as though it was something I could really help... Shit happens, people! Oz's normal M.O. that I typically adore in his non-compliance with compliance, challenging me to think and such was something I wasn't up for and trying to keep with my own promise to myself to ramp things up just made a mess of things for me. He did tell me later on that it wasn't a big deal, and no, it may not be, but I felt like I abused my power over him and that's unacceptable. Never again.
-afina
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