Recapture

I stand before the wall and watch it crumble.  The mortar was new but unstable.  I shouted at it and watched it fall into a pile of rubble at my feet.  As I walked across the line which separated me from my wants, I stuck out my tongue and gave a wicked raspberry.  Ha!

Always the critic, always the self judger...

I've been thinking a lot about how things were this past weekend during my scene with Oz and I keep going back to that thought that I had during of how good it felt and how I feel now.  I'm satiated with what we did.  I felt like we did "enough" though, there is always other things I think of that I want to do while I'm doing it. But, in a way, I feel like I'm having a pseudo-drop.  It's not that anything has been done wrong or feels out of place, but I'm missing a tempo that I feel should be there.

More logically...usually our "fun" would encompass a build up, the event, and the cool down.  Now it seems like the build up is too short and there is no cool down.  While the scene itself was compartmentalized into the time it went on, what was interesting too was that Oz seemed to be much more submissive after the scene with me than he normally is.  I don't know if that was a way of him continuing it on or just what he wanted at the moment, but even the little moments when he would seem to take control had that hesitation of, "Is this okay?" Also, the lack of a cadence in our conversations seems to be having an effect too.  This role of part time means that I can't always be sure of when it's appropriate to be in Domme mode and I feel that I am being too critical of signals that I'm getting and always defaulting to the, "Now is not the appropriate time." mode. 
I'm not sure what the solution to this is.  Of course, the quickest and easiest is to go back to full time, no restrictions and send Omnia back into potential panics of this relationship becoming more important than her marriage to Oz.  So, the easiest is also the most damaging.  To brainstorm "out loud" for a moment, other possible solutions are to set specific days that are set for the games or set for time off from them, to get rid of the guess work of when it is okay and when it is not.  Being able to have the freedom to know set periods of time when it is okay and when it isn't could be helpful.  Another thought is that I just need to get over this skipping record of now not being the time for things and own the time I have.  The meanings behind that collar haven't changed.  He hasn't challenged my ability to command him, he hasn't even really challenged the commands.  There hasn't been comments about there being "too much" or "not enough".  It's just my little pet quietly waiting till I get this figured out in my head.  And yes Oz, I see that smile on you face right now.

This little revelation I've just had won't mean any big changes.  I don't want Omnia to worry that anything is actually changing.  Just that I'm sorting myself right, gaining my confidence to move forward.  I don't need to be afraid of setting the tone during my approved times of talking with him that he is in for a few commands during the time he has his collar on.  I have his submission, his will to do what I want him to.  I need to stop forgetting that.  While he can't be in sub-mode during the times his collar are off, it doesn't mean I can't be in Domme mode thinking of what I'm going to do to him once he puts it back on. 

I just feel like I recaptured something...

-afina